Harry Potter Book 7:  The TRUE STORY
by 0freedom
Summary: A Deathly Hallows Parody.  Currently a work in progress.  Rated T for language and sexual references.
1. The Dark Lord Ascending

Severus Snape met some guy named Yaxley on a moonlit street.

"News?" asked Yaxley.

"The b– Wait, who the hell are you, and where have you been for the past six books?"

"Uh…I was on vacation in Hawaii," Yaxley replied, shifting his glance around nervously.

Snape rolled his eyes. "GTFO, you don't belong in Book 7, n00b."

Clearly OWNED, Yaxley shrugged and walked off in the direction he came. Snape noticed peacocks strutting across Lucius Malfoy's lawn.

"Peacocks, for God's sake. Lucius was always such a fairy boy." Snape entered the Malfoy mansion and saw Voldemort at a table with a phone in the center and a creepy body dangling above him. Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco Malfoy sit around the table. Draco, as usual, had the expression of a complete douche-bag.

Voldemort spoke. "Lucius, get off your ass and let Severus sit next to me since he's my BFF and you're just my bitch. And give me your wand, and while you're at it, your son's virginity."

"You already have that last one, sir," Draco said with a wink.

"Ah, yes, of course," Voldemort flirtatiously replied. "Severus, join us."

"I'd rather not, I don't really swing that way."

"No, idiot, join us for our Death Eater conference call. Bella! You're on speaker!"

Bellatrix Lestrange's voice came from the phone. "HAI, IT CAN BE MEETING TEIM NOW?" she asked sincerely.

"Yes, it can, as long as you shut up," Voldemort spoke into the phone, rolling his eyes out of annoyance.

Snape began, speaking to Voldemort. "The Order of the Phoenix is going to be moving Harry Pothead – er, Potter – next Saturday night."

"Good. Very good. And this information comes –"

"–from the source we discussed – Fox News."

Voldemort nodded. "Ah, yes, a very reliable source."

"I WATCH TEH CNN!" interjected Bellatrix.

A slapping noise was heard from the phone. "Dirty hippie!" screeched Dolohov's voice.

"Yeah Bellatrix," taunted Voldemort, "GTFO, your brother-in-law is a freaking werewolf."

"ILU VOLDIE, HAVE MY BABIEZ!" Bellatrix whined, and the phone clicked as she hung up.

Voldemort rolled his eyes and stood up. "You guys are srsly a bunch of n00bs, so I'm going to kill this random Hogwarts teacher nobody cares about. AVADA KEDAVRA."


	2. In Memoriam

Meanwhile, Harry potter was at Privet Drive, packing his stuff.

"Oh shit!" he exclaimed. "I cut myself on this broken mirror! No doubt this is foreshadowing, so I will keep it despite the fact that it has no apparent use whatsoever. Wait, why am I talking to myself?"

Harry shrugged and picked up a copy of the Daily Prophet and read a long, boring article glorifying the late Albus Dumbledore.

"Oh Dumbledore…" Harry swooned, talking to himself again. "ILU, and now that you're dead I wish I had stalked you and found out everything about your very lengthy past, so that I could have further means to worship you."

However, just as the words left his mouth, Harry turned the page and read an article about how Dumbledore was actually an ass-hat. Harry, of course, couldn't believe this, because Dumbledore was a flawless human being worthy of worship and adoration.

"Damn you Rita Skeeter!" Harry yelled in a fit of rage, throwing the newspaper onto the floor. "You're such a troll! You're destroying my unrealistic view of Dumbledore and creating superfluous conflict in the story. You eat poop!"

Harry fell to the floor sobbing, holding on to the mirror shard. As he cried, Dumbledore's eyes appeared in the mirror, but Harry didn't pay attention to this major plot point because he was too busy wallowing in his own self-pity.


	3. The Dursleys Departing

Uncle Vernon's voice boomed from downstairs, snapping Harry out of his downward emotional spiral. "Oi! You!"

"Shut up ass hole!" Harry retorted, full of teenage angst.

"Get down here shit head, or I'll pimp slap you!"

Fearing child abuse, Harry ran down to the living room and found the Dursleys standing next to packed suitcases.

"We aren't leaving. I don't believe in the Voldie-whatever, and we think you're making it up because of your raging teenage hormones and unnatural craving for attention."

"If you're not leaving, then why is your luggage packed?" Harry challenged, crossing his arms in defiance.

"I never go anywhere without my pocket-sized tubes of toothpaste," Uncle Vernon spat, his face turning red.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Harry answered it, and two characters we've never seen before walked in, with the entire Order of the Phoenix trailing behind them. One of these characters was Hestia Jones, who informed Harry that it was time to go to the Burrow.

"DAD?" Dudley interjected, looking up at Harry and his father. "CAN I SAY BAI TO HARRY NOW?"

"WTF, why?" asked Uncle Vernon, becoming more enraged.

"BECAUSE I'VE HAD A MAN-CRUSH ON MY COUSIN SINCE I WAS 11. HARRY ILU AND I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A WASTE OF SPACE."

Hestia Jones rolled her eyes. "You guys are a bunch of flamers, srsly, and you should say goodbye to Harry because for some reason people think he's cool."

Mrs. Dursley looked at Hestia Jones before replying, "STFU."

Dudley became teary-eyed. "HARRY, I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER 3."

An awkward silence followed, until Harry finally responded with, "Um, see ya' Big D."

"HEAR THAT MOM? BIG D! THAT'S MY RAP STAR NAME!

Aunt Petunia face turned to an expression of pure joy. "My son is a rap star, FTW! Goodbye Harry."

Harry raised his wand. "GTFO ALREADY."

The Dursleys left with Hestia Jones and the other random character to be transported to safety, and thankfully we never hear from them again.


	4. The Seven Potters

Realizing he was about to leave Privet Drive forever, Harry was overcome with emotion. He snuggled Hedwig, his owl. "I love you Hedwig," he murmured into her feathers. "And so do all the little children who read these books. It would be absolutely horrible if you were to die in this chapter." Hedwig hooted softly.

Tonks ran up to Harry, excited. "Guess what Harry?"

"Let me guess…" Harry thought for a minute. "OK, you got knocked up by Lupin and married him 48 hours later in Vegas?"

"OMFG YES!" Tonks yelled, jumping up and down. Lupin stood in the corner of the room, looking sullen and defeated.

"w00t!" exclaimed Harry. "That's wonderful!"

"STFU, no one cares." Moody interjected, looking from Tonks to Harry to Lupin disapprovingly with his magical eye. "Tonight we're going to the Burrow because we tricked Voldemort, because he's a n00b. But just in case the Death Eaters aren't as n00b-ish as we expected, we're going to have 6 of us drink Polyjuice Potion and become Harry. That way, instead of killing you, he'll kill you AND 6 other people!"

"I don't know," said Harry uneasily. "Something about that just doesn't make sense to me…"

"Don't be a party pooper Harry!" Ron exclaimed. "It's an awesome idea! I've always wanted to be you!"

"OK…I suppose…" Harry said shrugging, as he pulled out one of his hairs and handed it to Moody.

Moody whipped out a bottle of Polyjuice Potion and added the hair. It instantly turned gold. Hermione eyed the bottle with interest. "Mmm, you look tasty Harry," she said in a flirtatious voice.

"Thanks, I've been working out," Harry answered, blushing. Ron looked on in jealousy.

Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Fleur, and Mundungus drank the potion and instantly became exact copies of Harry. Fleur looked down at her now awkward teenage body. She cried. "I want to be sexy again!" she whined.

SCENE CUT DUE TO PARTIAL NUDITY

The group looked around at each other.

"What just happened?" asked Ron, staring down at the pants he was wearing that had magically appeared.

"It looks like we were censored," Lupin replied. "They're on to us. We better get going, Alastor."

"Alright then. Harry, you're going to be going with Hagrid on that pimped out Harley. Everyone else is going on a broom," Moody instructed.

"Aww man," the Harry who was George complained. "Why does Harry get the sweet motorcycle?"

"BECAUSE," snapped Moody. "He's obviously much more important than the rest of you."

At that, everyone departed into the night sky. After a few moments, however, Harry spotted something behind them.

"ZOMG HAGRID! DEATH EATERS!"

"Oh shit," he heard Hagrid mutter, and then…

SCENE CUT DUE TO GRAPHIC VIOLENCE

Harry landed on the lawn at Tonks's parents' house. "WTF just happened?" he demanded, getting up. "Seriously, censorship for the LOSE."


	5. Fallen Warrior

When everyone arrived at the Burrow, Harry was informed that there were three casualties in the Death Eater attack; Mad-Eye Moody, Hedwig, and George's ear.

"I'm holey guys! 'Ear 'ear!" George joked, lying on the couch, apparently not disturbed by the fact that he was now permanently disfigured. Crickets were heard chirping in the background.

Fred shrugged. "I thought it was a pretty good joke."

Mrs. Weasley stood over George and shook her head. "At least he's alive. We aren't even to page 80 yet and there have already been three pointless deaths- "

"SHH!" interjected Bill. "We're not supposed to know about the first one, remember? That chapter wasn't from Harry's point of view!"

Harry sat in a corner and mourned the death of his beloved owl. Somebody brought up the topic of what to do about Moody's body, and Harry was outraged.

"HOW COULD YOU BE THIKING ABOUT MOODY'S BODY WHEN MY OWL IS DEAD?" he demanded. "MY _OWL_! WHY DIDN'T J.K. ROWLING THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!" He continued sobbing uncontrollably.

Lupin pimp slapped Harry in the face, and he ceased crying. "I need to talk to you!"

Harry sniffled. "About what?"

"How the Death Eaters recognized you. Why the hell are you using Expelliarmus? That's a girly spell! You're such a pussy!"

"I don't want to kill people!" Harry gasped.

"You girly n00b. Just like your father."

"HEY. MY FATHER WAS VERY MASCULINE!"

Harry and Lupin continued debating the gender of Harry's father, until Lupin had downed so much firewhisky that his speech was incoherent. Harry took advantage of the opportunity and slipped out the door, where he collapsed on the ground and had a psycho dream.

"_You told me the problem would be solved by using another's wand!_

"_No! No! I beg you, I beg you!"_

"_You lied to Lord Voldemort, Ollivander!"_

_Ollivander crumpled up on the floor. "You don't have to do this!"_

"_Oh, but I do!" Voldemort began tickling Ollivander mercilessly. Ollivander was screaming in agony…_

Harry was clutching the garden gate, shivering. Ron and Hermione came running toward him. He told them all about the psycho dream on the way inside, where Lupin was passed out on the floor.

"Harry, Dumbledore said no!" Hermione scolded. "He said to close your mind; otherwise, J.K. Rowling could be giving us secret clues about the ending of the book!"

"God Hermione, you're such a bitch. I'm going to sleep now." Harry stormed off to his bedroom and slammed the door.


	6. The Ghoul in Pajamas

The shock of losing Mad-Eye hung over the house in the days that followed; Lupin began drinking even more firewhisky, and could often be found passed out on the floor in random places. Harry even began to feel some guilt and grief over Moody's death, although he was still mainly mourning Hedwig. He wanted to avenge her death soon, and could not wait any longer.

"The Trace'll break on the 31st," said Harry to Ron one morning at the breakfast table.

"Yeah, but we've got to stay for the wedding, or my mom and Fleur will kill us."

"Don't they realize how important- "

"No, you don't get it," interrupted Ron. "They're literally going to hunt us down and kill us if we miss this wedding."

"Oh, fine," Harry said.

Later that day, Mrs. Weasley pulled Harry aside.

"You think you three are dropping out of school?" she asked casually.

"Well, yeah."

"WHAT! You know your father and I care about your education!"

"Er…you aren't my parents?"

"YOU'RE GROUNDED YOUNG MAN!"

"Damn it!" Harry exclaimed, storming off.

Mrs. Weasley called after him, "AND GO CHANGE ALL THE SHEETS!"

Harry ignored her and went to talk to Ron and Hermione. Hermione was debating with Ron over which books they needed to take with them.

"Do you think I'll need _How to Find Dark Objects_?" she wondered.

"No," replied Ron.

Hermione continued with the next book. "What about _How to Defeat an Evil Wizard_?"

"Nope."

"But surely we'll need _Where Lord Voldemort Hid His Horcruxes: An Illustrated Guide_!"

Ron looked at her. "Damn it Hermione, we can't just haul around an entire library!"

Hermione sighed. "OK, but I'm bringing my ancient runes book; it might actually be useful."

Harry was only half-listening. He had just noticed a minor setback in their plan. "What if someone notices you two aren't at Hogwarts?"

Ron chuckled. "The ghoul in my attic is going to pose as me with spattergoit. LOOK!" Ron showed them into his room, where a hideous looking thing was lying on his bed.

"OMG RON! IT LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU!" exclaimed Hermione.

Ron smiled proudly, clearly not understanding that he should take this as an insult.

"And I erased my parents' memories and made them think they're Australians…" Hermione offered, her eyes beginning to tear up.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Hermione, we're through playing nice; sometimes you have to do something harsh to innocent people for the greater good!"

"Hey…that phrase sounds familiar…" Ron mused.

Harry shook his head. "It can't, Ron. That doesn't come up until later in the book."

"Oh yeah. Nevermind then."

Suddenly there was an explosion downstairs. The Burrow was being taken over by a bunch of French people. The Delacour's had arrived.


	7. The Will of Albus Dumbledore

Harry woke up with his scar prickling. Ron was standing over him, laughing hysterically.

"Haha you were talking your sleep about some guy named Gregorovitch! I finally have proof that you're _gay_! LOL"

Harry, realizing it was his birthday and his Trace was removed, sent all of Ron's stuff flying around the room in anger and denial.

"Don't worry, I've known all along, so I got you this book as a present," Ron continued, shrugging and holding up a book called _Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Wizards_.

Harry stormed out of the room. Ginny cracked open her bedroom door and peeked out into the hallway, watching Harry march angrily towards the stairs. "Wait – Harry! I have a surprise for you…a birthday present…" she said seductively, and shut the door.

Harry stepped into Ginny's room and looked around him before entering. Ginny was lying on the bed in sexy lingerie; a box of extra-large condoms was lying on the nightstand. "What are you waiting for?" she asked, looking up at him in anticipation.

Harry began to take off his pants, when suddenly the door banged open behind them and they both jumped.

"THAT'S MY SISTER!" yelled Ron, enraged. "AND YOU'RE MY BFF! AND THIS IS A CHILDREN'S BOOK!"

"But your sister is hott!" Harry protested, scrambling to put his pants back on. "Besides, it's not like I'm going to marry her in some sort of cheesy epilogue, right?"

Ron sighed. "Yeah, that's true."

Ginny got dressed and they all went downstairs for Harry's birthday party.

The Weasley's were all waiting around a snitch cake and pile of presents. Tonks, Lupin, and Hagrid had arrived also.

Charlie was taunting Hagrid. "LOL HAGRID YOUR DRAGON WAS A GIRL!" he teased.

Tonks began yelling "HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY!" over and over.

Lupin was mumbling incoherently while drinking a bottle of firewhisky.

Suddenly, in the middle of all the commotion, the Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour burst through the door, and everybody went quiet.

Lupin put down his firewhisky and turned to Tonks. "Oh crap. Scrimgeour likes to make fun of werewolves. My life is fail. I'm going to go cut myself. Come on."

"Okay!" Tonks agreed cheerfully.

Scrimgeour looked around the room. "I need to talk to Harry, Ron, and Hermione in private."

Mr. Weasley shook his head. "No, Minister, you can not have sex with my son." Everybody stared, looking from Mr. Weasley to the Minister.

Scrimgeour slapped his forehead. "STFU Arthur." He led Harry, Ron, and Hermione into a separate room and closed the door. "OK guys," he began. "Here's the dealio. When Dumbledore died on page 596 of the last book, he left you some stuff in his will. I was going to keep it for myself, but the only thing that wasn't useless crap was this sweet Gryffindor sword thing, so I'm going to give it to Snape LOL!"

"That's GAY!" whined Ron, and he began to throw a temper-tantrum.

"Yeah he's right!" exclaimed Harry. "Now all we get is a snitch, a book, and a lighter."

Scrimgeour giggled. "HAHA I guess you're screwed then. BAI GUYZ!"


	8. The Wedding

Harry, Ron, Fred, and George waited for the wedding guests to arrive. Harry had taken Polyjuice Potion to disguise himself as a redheaded Muggle boy, and was being introduced to people as "Cousin Barny". However, the disguise was proving to be ineffective, because nobody names their kid Barny anymore.

As the guests began arriving, Harry and Ron noticed one man in particular wearing yellow robes and a necklace with a symbol like a triangular eye.

"Yo, Xenophilius Lovegood in 'da hizzouse!" he exclaimed.

"That must be Luna's dad," Ron whispered, just as Luna appeared behind him wearing similar yellow robes.

Ron and Harry began to walk off to find a seat, but they were suddenly cornered by an old lady.

"Ronald, you hair's much too long!" she barked. "And Merlin's beard, what is Xenophilius Lovegood wearing…"

Ron and Harry ignored her as she continued to gossip and began to complain about French people. After she left, Fred and George appeared.

"Yeah, that's Auntie Muriel," Fred said. "I wish old Uncle Bilius was still with us; at weddings, he used to down an entire bottle of firewhisky, then run onto the dance floor, hoist up his robes, and start pulling bunches of flowers out of his -"  
Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Didn't Remus Lupin do that last night?"

The continued discussing Lupin's drunken antics, until someone appeared behind Hermione. "Viktor!" she shrieked, and embraced Krum.

"Why are you here?" demanded Ron.

"I don't know. I think for sexual tension, and to tell you that Gregorovitch is a vandmaker, and that 'bling' Xenophilius has is the sign of the Dark vizard Grindevald."

"GTFO, you talk funny," Ron said, waving him off. Krum shrugged and left.

The wedding began. "I must say, Ginevra's dress is far too low cut," said Auntie Muriel.

"I don't think so," Harry insisted. Ginny winked.

After the wedding, Harry found himself talking to Elphias Doge, the man who wrote the first article about Harry's personal god, Albus Dumbledore.

"Mr. Dodge, did you happen to see the article Rita Skeeter wrote about Dumbledore?"

Doge became angry. "Don't believe her Harry; she watches Fox News!"

"So Dumbledore never murdered his Squib sister?"

Auntie Muriel joined in on the conversation, always wanting a little gossip. "Yes he did LOL Bathilda Bagshot told me, and she used to live next to the Dumbledore's in Godric's Hollow."

Harry was about to cry, but suddenly Kingsley Shacklebolt's Patronus appeared.

_"LOL YOU GUYS SCRIMGEOUR IS DEAD AND NOW YOU BETTER RUN!"_


	9. A Place to Hide

Suddenly a streak of light whizzed overhead, and there was chaos. Someone screamed. Harry and Ron grabbed Hermione, and they disapparated.

"Where are we?" said Ron in disbelief. "Freaking Disney World?"

Harry opened his eyes. They were at a massive theme park. The street was crowded with children and adults alike. He thought he saw a man in a mouse costume.

"Yeah!" Hermione snapped. "This is freaking Disney World! For the love of God, I took a wrong turn!"

"Umm…can we try again?" Harry suggested. He and Ron took Hermione's hand and they apparated once again.

This time Harry opened his eyes and they were lying on the street outside of a run-down looking pub.

"Where are we now?" Harry asked.

"Not Disney World, and that's all that matters," Hermione replied matter-of-factly. "I brought you guys some Muggle clothes to change into." Hermione pulled several pairs of jeans and some T-shirts out of her purse.

Harry looked at the clothes. "Hermione…why'd you have me and Ron's clothes in your purse?"

"Uhhh…" Hermione turned red.

An extremely drunk man came up to Hermione. "All right darling?" he slurred. "Fancy a drink? Ditch ginger and come have a pint."

Ron's face lit up. "Lupin! Is that you!?"

The man's eyes grew wide and he disapparated. The three looked at each other briefly before shrugging and continuing down the street.

They walked a couple of blocks before they came across a Starbucks. Hermione told them this would be a good place to go in and change.

"What's Starbucks?" Ron asked, looking through the shop window.

"It's a place where Muggles pay way too much money for coffee."

"Ohh."

They walked inside the Starbucks, which was empty except for two businessmen in the far corner. After changing in the restroom, they ordered three cups of coffee and sat down at a small table.

"This is going to cost my entire life's savings!" Hermione whined.

Harry looked over at the two businessmen. He caught the eye of one of them, and before they knew it everyone had drawn their wands except for Ron.

"STUPEFY!" yelled Harry, remembering Lupins advice not to use Expelliarmus. Both of the Death Eaters fell back onto the floor. The Starbucks employees looked on, eyes wide.

"Wow Harry! Somehow you managed to _yet again_ defeat two grown men with more magic powers than you!" Hermione congratulated. She walked over to both of the Death Eaters with her wand and erased their memories, and then did the same to the poor Starbucks employees.

Ron was standing on the side, still trying to get his wand out of his pocket. "Hermione! Why'd you bring these pants! They're so tight!"

Hermione looked at him angrily. "They were in your closet! Go stick your wand up your -"

"Hermione, you _know_ I never wear my emo pants!"

"Come on," said Harry. "We need to get to Grimmauld Place!" The three of them held hands and soon they were standing in the familiar dark square in London. They walked up to the door and went in.

As Harry closed the door behind them, Moody's voice rang through the dark hallway.

_"Severus Snape?"_

Ron rolled his eyes. "Noooo! I'm RON!"

Harry stepped in front of him. "We're not Snape!"

_"Prove it!" Moody said._

"Here!" said Hermione, holding out a shampoo bottle. "Snape would never have one of these!"

Moody's voice didn't come back, so Harry shrugged and led them to the living room.

Suddenly, his scar began hurting, and he ran to the bathroom.

_A blonde Death Eater was lying on the floor, laughing hysterically. "Please, I beg you, stop it!" he cried._

_Voldemort spoke. "You failed to bring me the boy! Draco, continue!"_

_Draco Malfoy continued tickling the Death Eater. It was agony…_

"Hey Harry!" Hermione yelled, knocking on the bathroom door. "Do you want your toothbrush?"

"NO!"

"Eww, seriously, that's really gross."


	10. Kreacher's Tale

The next morning, Harry woke up and had another emo moment as he looked over and saw Hermione's hand inches away from Ron's.

In an attempt to do something productive, he went upstairs to Sirius's room. There were Gryffindor banners, Muggle motorcycle posters, and even some Muggle porno.

"Sirius sure decorated this place great!" Harry whispered as he stared at the pictures of the Muggle girls. When he finally looked away, he noticed that papers were scattered all over the room, as if someone had been here before. However, he soon found a letter to Sirius from his mom, and he forgot that this was probably a bad thing.

Harry read the letter and started crying. It talked about him doing baby stuff: how he rode a broom, spit up, and pooped all day long. It also mentioned something about Dumbledore and the Invisibility Cloak, and Harry became even more emo as he was reminded of his flawed hero.

While he was being bitched at by Ron, Harry noticed a name on the door to the room across the hall: Regulus Arcturus Black…or…R.A.B.!

"R.A.B.!" shouted Harry. He picked a picture up off the floor. "Look guys! He's sitting in the front! That means he was a seeker!"

"STFU Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "Who cares that he was a seeker! We need to find the locket!"

Harry and Ron did a victory dance while Hermione tried to Accio the locket. All of her attempts failed.

Harry and Ron continued dancing until Hermione became fed up. "Come on guys! Help me look!"

The pored through Regulus's room, but couldn't find the locket. Suddenly, Ron had a rare stroke of brilliance. "ZOMG GUYS I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING SMART!" he exclaimed.

"What? That we saw the locket when we were cleaning out this house in the 5th book?" Hermione said, tilting her head.

Ron looked down at his feet and Harry looked up at Hermione. "Kreacher!" he exclaimed, and suddenly a house elf appeared.

"HAI IT'S KREACHER," he said.

"OK Kreacher, tell me what you know about Regulus's locket," Harry said slowly.

"K LOL!! MASTER REGULUS SAID THE DARK LORD NEEDED A LITTLY ELFY, SO HE MADE KREACHER DRINK SOME YUCKY SHIT IN THIS LAKE, AND THEN HE PUT THE LOCKET WHERE THE YUCKY SHIT USED TO BE AND THEN PUT SOME MORE YUCKY SHIT ON TOP OF THAT, AND THEN KREACHER WAS REALLY SAD LOL!! VOLDY LEFT KREACHER THERE, BUT VOLDY'S A N00B AND DOESN'T THINK ABOUT ELVES, SO KREACHER JUST DISAPPARATED AWAY LOL!! THEN MASTER REGULUS WENT AND DRANK THE YUCKY SHIT, AND HE DIED AND KREACHER HAD TO DESTROY THE LOCKET LOL!! BUT KREACHER COULDN'T DESTROY IT SO NOW KREACHER IS EMO LOL!! THEN THE GHEY MUNDUNGUS TOOK IT AND I WAS ANGRY LOL!!"

Hermione shook her head. "Poor Kreacher."

"So that's why Mundungus was mentioned in the 6th book!" exclaimed Harry. "Here Kreacher, have this locket! And go get Mundungus so we can kick his ass!"

"K I LUV YOU NOW LOL!!"

And Kreacher disapparated.


	11. The Bribe

Kreacher didn't return the next day, or the day after that. However, two cloaked men were spotted outside 12 Grimmauld Place, staring in the direction of the house they couldn't see.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione heard a crash from down the hall. Harry raised his wand. "Who…who's there?"

Lupin came staggering into the light. "It's me, Remus."

"You're not Lupin!" Harry cried. "You're _sober_!"

"I'm Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, married to Tonks, who is currently totally preggerz," Lupin said, pulling out a massive jug of butterbeer from under his cloak.

"OK, fine. But I had to check," Harry said, lowering his wand.

Lupin nodded in agreement. "So," he began. "What happened after you left the pub- er, the Burrow?"

Harry told him everything that had happened. Lupin spilled butterbeer all over himself. "Holy crap you guys!" he exclaimed in awe.

"LOL," said Ron.

"It's not funny Ron!" Lupin said angrily. "Harry is wanted because they think he might have killed Dumbledore!"

Harry gasped. "But I _loved_ Dumbledore!" He ran to Lupin and buried his head in Lupin's cloak.

Lupin slapped him. "Seriously, I'm sick of your emotional crap. Anyways, they're rounding up Muggle-borns too, so Hermione, you might want to watch your ass as well."

Ron looked from Lupin to Hermione. "I know!" he exclaimed. "I can pretend you're my cousin!"

A looks a revulsion came across Hermione's face. "Ron, you can't…you know…_with your cousin_!"

An extremely awkward silence followed. Lupin coughed. "So then…I want to go with you guys."

"Holy crap!" Hermione yelled. "What about your wife, you jerk?"

Lupin knocked over a table and started pulling at his hair. "I DON'T WANT A BABY! MY KIND CAN'T USUALLY GET LAID! IT'LL BE A WEREWOLF FOR SURE!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Now who's being emotional?"

Lupin sobbed. "You don't understand! All the kids used to tease me on the playground! They beat me up and took my lunch money! My life is a tragedy!"

"Wow," Hermione said blankly. "Uhh…"

Harry, however, was in a rage. "The man who taught me to fight the dementors – a coward!"

Lupin flipped Harry off and vanished.

"Look what you did!" Hermione complained. Harry shrugged.

Suddenly, Kreacher appeared with Mundungus Fletcher.

"KREACHER HAS MUNDUNGUS LOL!! AND LOOK WHAT I BE DOING TO HIM LOL!!" Kreacher grabbed a frying pan and began to beat Mundungus over the head.

"WTF HARRY!" Mungus cried. "CONTROL YOUR DAMN ELF!"

Harry reluctantly told Kreacher to stop.

"AWW LOL!! JUST ONE MORE, MASTER HARRY, FOR LUCK!?!? LOL!?!?"

Harry shook his head no. "You did good Kreacher," he praised, throwing Kreacher a cookie. "Now Mundungus, you ass hole, what did you do with Sirius's locket thing?"

Mundungus laughed. "You're screwed; I sold that on eBay last week!"

"To who?" gasped Hermione.

"Ehh…I dunno, her screen name was _MinistryToad126_."

"WHAT?" Harry exclaimed, grabbing the frying pan. "You sold it to Umbridge?"

"I didn't know who it was!" Mundungus exclaimed. "You never know who anyone really is on the Internets!"

Harry knocked him out with the frying pan. "That'll teach you that the Internets are _serious business_."


	12. Magic is Might

Shortly after Kreacher's return, Harry came back from his daily stalking of Ministry employees with important news.

"Hermione! Ron! They made Snape headmaster and Hogwarts!"

Hermione looked at him with skepticism. "How do you know this?"

"Hermione – it was on Fox News!"

"MERLIN'S PANTS!" shrieked Hermione. "WHY ARE YOU WATCHING FOX NEWS!?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up Hermione. Everyone knows that only _hippies_ like Bellatrix watch CNN."

Hermione and Ron began a long, heating political discussion. Finally Harry, who couldn't take it anymore, proposed an idea.

"You guys, we should go walk right in to the ministry tomorrow and take that locket back, FTW."

"LOL Let's do it!" Ron agreed.

Suddenly, Harry's grabbed his forehead in pain. "Guys I gotta' go to the bathroom KTHXBAI!" he shouted, running out of the kitchen.

_"I want Gregorovitch," said a cold, shrill voice._

_"Er wohnt hier nicht mehr!" a woman cried, shaking her head._

_"Damn it bitch, you know I don't speak German!"_

_"Das weiß ich nicht!"_

_"OK now you're just pissing me off! AVADA KEDAVRA!"_

"HARRY! DUMBLEDORE SAID NO!" Hermione whined, bursting into the bathroom.

"GOD HERMIONE! Can't I get a little privacy in here."

Hermione blushed. "Oh. Sorry."

Harry stormed off to bed.

The next day, the three prepared to put their far-fetched plan into action. "Just remember: Polyjuice Potion…Invisibility Cloak…Decoy Detonators…"

"OK seriously Hermione," Ron said. "You can't just give away the plan to the readers like that.

Hermione scowled.

They carefully Apparated from the top step outside the house to a dark alley behind the Ministry of Magic. After stunning one ministry employee, making another vomit uncontrollably, and sending another home with a nosebleed, they had successfully brewed three servings of Polyjuice Potion.

"I'm just glad we were able to do this without hurting any innocent people," Harry said with a smile as he transformed into Ministry employee. They followed other wizards to two bathrooms, one labeled _Gentlemen_ and the other _Ladies_.

"Eww!" Ron shrieked, when he and Harry had gotten inside of the men's restroom.

"What?" Harry said, agitated.

"We have to flush ourselves in! And they don't even have those little tissue things you cover the toilet seat with!"

Harry glared at Ron, and they stepped into the toilet and flushed.

The next thing they knew they were standing in the Atrium, but the familiar gold fountain was replaced by a statue of a witch and wizard sitting on thrones, engraved at the base with the words _Magic is the Shit._

Suddenly, the random Death Eater Yaxley appeared. Ron sighed; apparently he was a permanent character now.

"Cattermole!" he shouted, looking at Ron. "It's raining in my office."

Ron laughed.

"You think that's funny, do you?"

"Yeah, it's full of lulz."

"Well I'm going to interrogate your wife. Is that full of lulz?"

Ron shrugged. "IDK."

Yaxley scowled and continued on his way. Harry, Ron and Hermione got on the elevator.

Ron laughed. "I don't have a wife, LOL!"

Hermione slapped her forehead. "Ron, you're such an idiot. He's going to kill this Cattermole dude's wife now! Go fix that raining office or…whatever…"

Ron folded his arms and sulked, but suddenly a group of people entered the elevator, including Dolores Umbridge.


	13. The Muggleborn Registration Commission

When Harry got off the elevator he slipped on the invisibility cloak and ran down the hallway. He saw fancy doors with fancy name plates to his right and left, and momentarily realized that his plan was a bunch of crap.

But of course, he quickly forgot this realization and continued towards a large mahogany door, where Moody's big, bright blue eye was set into the wood. Below the eye was an officially-looking sign that read _Dolores Umbridge._

Harry tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. "Now seriously," he thought. "That's just messed up. I mean, that's just _wrong_." And of course he did the only logical, sane thing there was to do: he grabbed the freaky eye and put it in his pocket.

Harry pulled out a Decoy Detonator and set off in the hallway, and heard screams down the hallway. He LOL'd at this massive WIN and entered Umbridge's office.

"ACCIO LOCKET ACCIO LOCKET ACCIO LOCKET!!" he yelled. "WTF why isn't Accio working at all in this stupid book?" He gave up angrily and started rummaging through Umbridge's desk.There was a memo about Arthur Weasley.

_"Arthur Weasley is a pure-blood, but he's been hiding Undesirable Number One, so we're gonna' stalk him now. w00t."_

Suddenly Harry looked up at the wall and noticed a huge poster of himself. He was holding a sign that read _Sexually Undesirable Number One_.

Filled with fury, Harry tore the sign off the wall. "THAT'S NOT TRUE!" he screamed at the poster. "GINNY THINKS I'M HOT! I'M A SEXY BEAST!" In a fit of rage, he stormed out of the office. He ran to the elevator, desperate to find Ron and Hermione. They would be able to assure him that he wasn't undesirable. He raced into the elevator and collided with Ron.

"RON! AM I SEXY!?" he blurted.

"Well Harry, I've always thought of you as more of a, you know...I mean, you're very pretty, but..." but before Ron could finish, Mr. Weasley entered the elevator.

"DAD!" Ron yelled.

Mr. Weasley backed up against the elevator door. "Umm. Hello?"

"They're coming after you mannnn!" Harry yelled. "You need to runnnn!"

Mr. Weasley looked at the two of them as if they were deranged, and began desperately pressing the elevator buttons. "Oh God, let me out..." he muttered to himself, and as soon as the elevator came to a stop, he dashed into the hallway.

Ron shrugged.

Harry continued riding the elevator until they reached the Department of Mysteries. Before getting off, he turned to Ron.

"Seriously man, you need to fix that rain shit or else that guys gonna' go all wackey and kill your wife or whatever."

Ron sighed.

Harry got off the elevator and found himself in a dark hallway. Immediately he felt a wave of emo come over him. "Dementors," he though. "Oh crap." He heard screams.

"But my dad was a wizard!" a man yelled.

Dolores Umbridge laughed. "Take him away, bitch."

"'Mkay." said Yaxley. "Next - Marry Cattermole."

"Ron's wife!" Harry whispered.

He ran towards Yaxley's voice, hidden under the Invisibiliy Cloak, and saw Hermione sitting down, writing something. He came up behind her and whispered in her ear, "What are you doing?"

Hermione turned around and rolled her eyes. "Taking notes!"

Harry considered this for a moment before deciding that Hermione had some serious issues with her priorities. "Come on Hermione, this is bullshit. That's Ron's _wife_ in there! _STUPEFY_! _STUPEFY_!" he screamed. Dolores Umbridge and Yaxley hit the floor.

Hermione got up and examined Yaxley. "Seriously, who the hell _is_ this guy?"

Harry shrugged. Hermione grabbed the locket off of Umbridge's neck. "w00t!" she exclaimed.

"Alright," said Harry. "I got this crazy hero complex, so somehow we're going to get out of here with all these Muggle-borns," he said, pointing at a crowd of people cowering in the corner.

"Oh, OK," said Hermione, shrugging. "I mean, nothing bad can happen to us; Rowling wouldn't kill us off this early in the book."

"That's the spirit, Hermione!" Harry and Hermione led the Muggle-borns towards the elevator. They all crowded in and then out again into the Atrium.

"GO!" Harry yelled, waving them on. "RUN FREE! RUN TO CANADA!"

Ron came running towards them, and they began to Apparate.

Harry saw Grimmauld Place, but then something went wrong, and everything went dark.


	14. The Thief

Harry opened his eyes. He, Ron, and Hermione were in the forest where the attended the Quidditch World Cup during the fourth book.

"WTF Hermione why are we here?"

But Hermione wasn't listening. She was standing over Ron, who had a chunk taken out of his arm.

"Harry...Ron got Splinched!" Hermione cried, a look of horror coming over her face.

"LOLZ!"

"It's not funny, OMG!"

"But really Hermione, why aren't we at Grimmauld Place?"

Hermione sighed. "DUH Harry. J.K. Rowling changed the rules to avoid plot holes, and now that Dumbledore died, we're all Secret Keepers! And Yaxley grabbed onto me when we were Apparating, so now he knows the secret! Oh noez!"

Harry thought for a moment. "Oh, I guess that makes sense."

Suddenly Ron woke up. "I'm hungry. Hermione, get in the kitchen and make some food."

Hermione set up a tent with a bunch of magical enchantments so that none of the bad guys could get in. Then she set off to find food.

When Hermione came back, they ate some mushrooms, which pretty much pissed Ron off. "I want a steak!" he complained. Tears came to Hermione's eyes, and she went to go keep watch outside the tent.

That night when Harry had his turn keeping watch, he kind of fell asleep.

_"Give it to me Gregorovitch!"_

_"Seriously Voldy, some kid stole it like a million years ago."_

_"Who is this kid?"_

_"The hell if I know. GTFO of my shop, you ass."_

_"Nobody talks to the V-Dizzle that way. AVADA KEDAVRA!"_

Harry woke up with Hermione standing in front of him. "Seriously Harry!"

"Yeah I know Hermione, _Dumbledore said no!_"

"Umm...actually I was going to say you're a moron for falling asleep while you're supposed to be watching, GTFO."

Harry shrugged and went back in the tent.


End file.
